The woman posting as TAMyBday took to popular Subreddit “Am I the A**hole” to ask the internet-old question on her dilemma. She explained that her nephew passed away last year due to cancer on her birthday. Unsurprisingly, there was no celebration “because everyone was devastated.”
She said her sister is still grieving and in therapy, making slow progress. A recent study by Amerispeak and WebMD found that 57 percent of Americans are grieving the loss of someone close to them in the past three years.
Despite so many people facing grief, knowing how to handle it can often be a tricky and complicated battle. This aunt found herself stuck on whether or not she handled her birthday in the correct way.
According to bereavement charity Cruse, “it’s very normal to want to organize normal happy times’’ when it comes to birthdays and they reassure that “it doesn’t mean you care less about the person who died.” For this aunt, however, her case was slightly more complicated, given the date her birthday falls on.
“Brithdays in my family are very important, we throw huge parties,” she wrote. “I believe and have been taught that birthdays are important and should be cherished.
“Yesterday was my birthday. Obviously I felt bad about the anniversary of my nephew’s death, but I was also a little down about not being able to celebrate like I used to and my girlfriend knew that.”
The aunt explained that she visited her sister in the morning and stayed with her until lunch, when their mom arrived and spent the rest of the day.
“I went to work and at night, my girlfriend made a surprise at home with a candlelight dinner and a small cake. Something very intimate and for both of us, since my family was in a bad way,” wrote the aunt.
When her girlfriend posted a photo of their dinner date to social media, the aunt was met with an outpouring of angry messages from family “asking if I was celebrating even though it was such a sad day and how heartless I was to celebrate knowing my sister was in such a bad way. Even though I said it was a surprise, they called me cold, heartless and insensitive to the pain of others, saying I should have refused to celebrate.”
Despite her family’s anger, Reddit users were left supporting the aunt about her decision to continue with a small birthday celebration.
“You didn’t make your mom or your sister celebrate with you. It was you and your significant other. Does Denise expect you to never celebrate your birthday again?” asked one user.
“That’s probably exactly what she expects,” added another. “I knew a girl whose brother died on her birthday when she was a kid, and she was never allowed to celebrate her birthday after that. Not even moving the celebration to the week after or anything like that, but literally not allowed to mention it at all.”
Another user cited the discreteness of the celebration, noting: “When I read the title I thought you had thrown a big, raucous birthday party. Nope. You had dinner with your girlfriend.
“In no way were you or your partner insensitive to your sister. If anything, I would consider a quiet intimate dinner instead of a large event a very respectful way to acknowledge your birthday without being excessive.”
It was an idea expressed by others too, with one user similarly focusing on the subtleness of her celebration: “You didn’t shove your birthday in everyone’s face, you didn’t act like your birthday reigned supreme, you spent time with your sister on a day she needed support and you had a very quiet event with your partner - which you have every right to do. People grieve differently but that doesn’t mean aspects of life still shouldn’t be celebrated. You acted appropriately.”
Newsweek reached out to u/TAMyBday for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
