Although this is more a tradition of the past and is no longer the case for every family, it’s still a fairly spread practice. In fact, over a quarter of Americans still choose family members’ names for their newborns, and sometimes, especially grandparents, even expect you to name your child after them, or to choose the baby’s name for you.
Previously, Newsweek reported on an opinionated mother-in-law who demanded her son and his wife change their baby’s name to please her, refusing to even use his real name until they changed it. It turned out that even though the baby had his dad’s middle name, she was still upset because it happened to be the same name as the paternal grandpa, and she wanted the name to only honor her side of the family instead.
But while traditions matter, times are changing, and so are customs and family dynamics.
Newsweek spoke to experts to find out whether or not it’s fair for grandparents to have a say in your child’s name.
Grandparents Don’t Like Your Baby’s Name?
As long as your chosen name is not restricted by your specific state, you can name your child whatever you wish, and the choice is only yours. Nobody automatically has control over a child except the child’s parents, so naming is entirely up to the parents too.
Marlene Watson, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the director of training at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, told Newsweek that neither the mother-in-law nor any grandparent is entitled to impose their will on a couple in the naming of their child.
“It is an honor that’s granted when a couple decides to gift their child with the name of a mother-in-law or grandparent,” she said.
How Culture Affects Baby Naming
Every culture has its own traditions when it comes to baby naming.
Until a few decades ago, many Europeans such as the Irish, British, Germans and Italians, used to name their children after their grandparents. The first son would take the paternal grandfather’s name, and the second son would take the maternal grandpa’s name, then the father and uncles. The same would apply to girls, starting with the paternal grandma, then the maternal grandmother, and so on.
As times evolved, the traditions began fading, but some grandparents started feeling entitled to choose the baby’s name for the parents instead.
Why Mother-in-Laws Feel Entitled To Name Their Grandchild
Chloe Carmichael, a clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety as well as Dr. Chloe’s 10 Commandments of Dating, told Newsweek that sometimes an in-law struggles to recognize that their child has now grown into an adult, who is fully in charge of their own life. This can be highlighted through their attempt at inappropriate controlling behaviors, such as a misguided belief that they’re in charge of the grandchild’s name.
According to Watson, another reason for this entitlement is that some mothers-in-law had their own mothers-in-law force or impose baby names upon them, while others may just see it as a family legacy, or as an extension of themselves and their life.
How To Stop Family From Giving Their Opinion On Baby Names
Alyssa Mairanz, executive director and owner of Empower Your Mind Therapy, told Newsweek that if you don’t wish to follow your parents’ or in-law’s wishes when it comes to naming your baby, it’s important to let them know that you value their opinions, but that they do not have a say in these kinds of decisions, as it is your child, not theirs.
“Preparing for your first child can be exciting and thrilling, but also nerve-wracking and confusing. Set healthy boundaries to ensure they aren’t adding to the pressure of becoming new parents. Be specific when setting your boundaries, and think about each type of boundary (emotional, psychological, and physical) when it comes [to] naming the baby.”
Family boundaries tend to work best when set with love and respect, said Carmichael, as well as with clear limits and a united front where appropriate.
She said: “Make it clear that the two of you are united, so you can avoid inviting any further confusion over power dynamics. For example, say: ‘We really appreciate your desire to share ideas for names. We’ll let you know once we’ve settled on our choice. Thanks again for offering your ideas.’”
Are There Baby Name Restrictions?
When it comes to naming babies in the United States, restrictions vary from state to state. For example, in Kentucky and Illinois, you can name your child whatever you want, but other states have tougher rules.
Some states limit the number of characters you can use, or prohibit numbers and emojis. Others ban names with negative connotations, like Adolf Hitler.
Other common restrictions include derogatory or obscene terms, offensive names, diacritical marks, hyphens, asterisks, and apostrophes. Some states, like California and Texas, also ban non-English characters, while others, such as Alaska, Hawaii, Kansas, North Carolina, and Oregon, allow both accents and certain foreign letters.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
