The study results form the basis of Rosenblatt’s recently published book, “Two in a Bed: the Social System of Couple Bed Sharing” ( State University of New York Press ). Although the book is intended primarily for researchers and practitioners who deal with family problems, it’s a fascinating look at a long-neglected aspect of human relationships. And here’s the kicker: It’s not all about sex. For many couples, the bed was the only place where they could finally have an intimate conversation. In an interview, we asked Rosenblatt about some of the things he has learned. Excerpts:
Research on sleep seems to assume that we are all alone at night. In fact, most adults spend a good part of their time in bed with another person. Why have researchers neglected the dynamics of couples in bed?
Paul Rosenblatt: I think a big part of it is that we focus so much on individuals. Medicine treats individuals, not couples or families. Psychology is about what goes on the heads of individuals much more than it is about what goes on between individuals.
Is there a process of accommodation that couples go through as they learn to share a bed successfully?
Oh, yes. People have to learn to sleep together. They have to learn to deal with the many ways they are different and to deal with things that are hard to compromise or change. It’s hard to compromise on what you need in order to get a good night’s sleep. It’s hard to change what you feel that you need to do or what you do while you are asleep.
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How is the overall health of a relationship reflected in bedtime behavior?
That’s not the kind of question I addressed in my research. But some of the couples said that when they were not doing well together as a couple, it showed up in their bed-sharing behavior. They wouldn’t talk, for example, or wouldn’t do their usual good night snuggle, if they had one. On the other side of this, I could argue that bed sharing is such a big part of the life of most couples that it can drive the rest of the relationship. If a couple can do well sharing a bed, they can probably do well at many other couple things.
There’s a saying that you should never go to bed angry with your partner. Did your research provide any insights into the wisdom of this?
Some couples said they tried to follow that saying, and it seemed to work for them. But other couples operated with very different principles, and those worked for them. Couples have to work out their system, their routine ways of interacting, and I don’t think there’s a single best way for all couples.
Can we learn anything from the actual positions that people sleep in?
I listened to couples talking about their relationship. I didn’t observe positions. But some couples talked about them, and I would say from what they said that, yes, we can learn something from the sleeping positions of some people. But the learning would not necessarily be about the couple relationship. For example, I wouldn’t say that a couple who didn’t touch a lot in bed was doing any better than a couple who did. But couple positions say something about work injuries, the patterns people developed when they were kids, what hurts and doesn’t hurt, what they need in order to feel comfortable and to breathe. For example, a woman who is pregnant will prefer to sleep in certain positions.
When couples are out of synch, how does that show up in their bedtime behavior?
I’m not sure what out of synch means. If they are angry with each other at bedtime, they will usually communicate that anger and what they want to do about it at bedtime. If they work different shifts, that’s another matter. In a sense two people are always out of synch, because they are different in so many ways.
How does the birth of children affect a couple’s relationship in bed?
It changes everything—how much people sleep, how continuously they sleep. Sometimes it changes who sleeps closest to where the baby is. Sometimes the baby shows up in the bed, for example, to be nursed. And children who are able to get out of bed often find their way to the parent’s bedroom. As children get older, that may change the parents’ sex life because of concern about what the children can hear or about potential interruptions. As children get older, parents may have more trouble finding times for conversation about things they don’t want the children to hear, and that may mean they wait until the children are asleep to have those touchy conversations, and often that’s in the bed at bedtime.
You talk about the transition to bedtime. How did the couples you interviewed spend the last minutes before sleep?
Some couples go to bed at different times, so one of them often gets in bed after the other is asleep. Sometimes they will wake up the sleeping person and there might be cuddling or talk, but sometimes not. If couples go to bed at the same time, one might fall asleep instantly. But in many of the couples I interviewed there was a bedtime conversation—perhaps a review of what each did during the day, perhaps planning something, perhaps talking about the kids, etc. That might not be more than a few minutes, but many couples do not talk very much together on a typical day. So a few minutes can be a lot.
Many couples complain about the temperature wars—especially when a woman is suffering from hot flashes. How common a problem is this at other points in a relationship and what are successful strategies for resolving it?
I imagine hot flashes will be going on tonight in millions of households. Some women I interviewed stayed in bed when they were having hot flashes and pushed the covers off, and it didn’t seem to bother their partner or perhaps even to awaken the partner. Some women would get out of bed and go somewhere else, perhaps to sleep or perhaps just to get some space and perhaps not bother the partner. I don’t remember any partner saying that he or she (I interviewed three lesbian couples) left to sleep somewhere else in the house when the other one was having hot flashes.
Snoring is a huge issue, especially as couples get older. What strategies did couples use to deal with this?
The couples I interviewed talked about a dozen different strategies, some of which worked for some people and not others. They included ear plugs, pillows over the ears, the snorer going to bed only after the person who was bothered by the snoring fell asleep, the non-snorer nudging a snorer who was lying on his back, the snorer losing weight, the snorer cutting alcohol consumption (particularly at night), nose strips on the nose of the snorer, sleeping apart some nights, and getting a bigger bed.
If you could give couples one piece of advice for successfully sharing a bed, what would it be?
Be patient with problem solving. Lots of these problems take time, creativity, and learning to work out.
